“what if”

like most people, my life is plagued by an uncountable amount of “what if” questions that i’ll never know the answer to. “what if i had said yes?” “what if i had said no?” “what if i told him how i really felt?” “what if we didn’t lose touch?” “what if i didn’t leave?”. all of these questions and more go through my mind at least once a day, but i know there is no way for me to ever answer them.

this time of the year is always a hard one for me. it’s a time of a lot of changes, a lot of big decisions, a lot of things that really do scare me. the weather is rainy and gloomy and i find myself wanting to sit inside and think about things like “what if” questions rather than going out and embracing the big events that this season of life has to offer.

over the past few weeks i’ve tried to take steps in order to fight the april gloom that i feel in little, but effective, ways have helped. i moved my desk and computer so its in front of a window now so that when i write or do my makeup in the mornings, i can look outside and embrace the cozy cloudy weather rather than letting it get the best of me. i took up knitting and reading again (yeah, really, i’m actually 60 now) to keep my nervous hands and mind busy. and of course, i started writing on here to let some of my thoughts freely flow and be shared rather than staying bottled up in my head or just in my notebook.

these little changes won’t give me the answers to what my life would be like if i had answered a question as a yes or no, i may not know what would have happened if i had said what i really felt or know what would have come to me if i had stayed, but i do know it’s made thinking about them more bearable. one thing i do know for sure though is that there is one heck of a life ahead of me full of more decisions to make and good things to look forward to, so dwelling on things of the past doesn’t really matter. i can feel great things coming and they are well worth the “regrettable” decisions i have already made.

what if

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